friendship | Peter's Wife

Friendship Revisited

Friends chat Fifteen years ago I wrote an article on friendship for PWs. (That link will take you back there.) But this seems like a good time to rethink the issues and take a fresh look at how we make and keep friends while living and working outside our home culture.

We might think that friendship is simple and automatic, but we soon find out that it’s more complex than we thought. Then add the pressures of our work and the quirks of our host culture. All of that makes friendship a challenge.

Many of us have watched the effect of social media on friendships. It is not uncommon to see a group of people sitting at a café table, all looking at their phones and clicking away. They seem totally unaware of their companions at the table.

On the other hand, there are others who would dearly love to have any kind of relationship with peers, but there are none within a 500 mile radius.

Kimberly Todd, writing for VelvetAshes.com, has some helpful insights about finding and developing friendships. Let’s look at a few of her ideas:

Anyone is a potential friend. When we first arrive on our host culture, we may look desperately for someone ‘like us’ to befriend. If we hold onto that measure of friendship, we will find ourselves very lonely indeed. But when we look at everyone as a potential friend, we will be surprised with the great variety of friends we can have. Not everyone will become a close personal friend, but each can fill some part of our need for friends. And, we help them stretch their friendship boundaries too.

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What We Have Learned

This month I wanted to do something different. My husband and I came up with the following list of things we have learned. Some are from our time in Africa and SE Asia, some are from our family, and some are general lessons we’ve learned. Enjoy reading our list. I’m sure you have your own list of lessons you’ve learned.

We have learned that homesickness will go away if you don’t entertain it.
We have learned that most people will love you if you let them.
We have learned that soup can be spicy without being red.
We have learned that Korean candy doesn’t taste half as good as it looks.
We have learned that marriage is like a garden. It flourishes if you take care of it and dies if you don’t.
We have learned that a good cup of hot tea is better therapy than two hours with any psychiatrist. The same is true of sunrises, sunsets, cool breezes and true friends.
We have learned that when your wife is better than you at details, it’s better to let her do them.
We have learned that when your husband is better at directions, it’s better to go the way he says.
We have learned that American saltine crackers are poor, wimpy imitations of British cream crackers.
We have learned that most mistakes are not fatal if you are honest about them.
We have learned that if you take the time, the classics are really worth it.
We have learned that Bach is better brain food than rock.
We have learned that the gift of a teddy bear can make a grown woman smile.
We have learned that it is useless to choose an airline on the basis of the food they serve. It’s all the brown stuff or the white stuff and rubber omelets.
We have learned that PMS is neither permanent nor fatal. It just seems like it at the time.
We have learned that America is not the center of the world, that other cultures have riches to bestow on us and that God’s love looks great on any face.
We have learned that in the tropics you choose your seat by its proximity to the fan.
We have learned that when they tell you not to drink the water, they really mean it.
We have learned that the good relationships grow richer with time, like vegetable soup simmering slowly.
We have learned that good friendship can instantly pick up where it left off, like a CD when you push the play button.
We have learned that rest is neither sin nor weakness, but a God-created necessity.
We have learned that durian (an Asian fruit) and blue cheese have this in common, they both smell bad to those who don’t like them and great to those who do. The same with people.
We have learned that it is best to cross the street the way the locals do. They know which way to look, when to wait, and when you better go.
We have learned that wilderness companions are seldom who you expected.

TCK Friendships

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As you may know, our two sons grew up, for more than half their childhood years, outside their home country. That makes them Third Culture Kids, or TCKs. Recently I have been thinking about how our sons react to their world. I wondered how much their experience as Third Culture Kids actually affects them today, now that they are adults. I was especially interested in how TCKs make friends, and how their experience differs from others in that area.

For a refresher, I looked at David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken’s textbook called, Third Culture Kids. The chapter on Relational Patterns discusses how Third Culture Kids (TCKs) make friendships and how that affects them later in life.

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Friendship Revisited

What We Have Learned

TCK Friendships

Strong Marriage

Healing Encouraging Words