Marriage

Expectations and Limitations

Sally and Jim decide that God is calling them Africa. They are both excited, but a little afraid, too. (I am sure you remember that combination of conflicting emotions.) Before leaving for Africa, Jim and Sally have to visit churches and raise support. That means meeting a lot of people, and staying in many homes. Now, Jim is an outgoing guy who has never met a stranger. He talks easily in any situation. Sally is a private person- a nice gal with a warm heart, but she doesn’t meet strangers easily. That is a recipe for tension. How will Sally and Jim manage the expectations they will encounter from churches, combined with Sally’s reticence about new people and places?

I ran headlong into conflict between expectations and limitations this week. I had volunteered to do a job for a friend. Most of the work was completed. But then I hit the wall. The friend asked for more than I knew how to deliver. I had to admit I could not meet the expectations because of my own limitations.

Nevertheless, I dove in to find a solution. After several hours, I realized I could only do it if I studied, practiced, and learned a new set of skills, and only then with a lot of technical support. It would also mean neglecting other commitments. Fortunately, when I admitted my problem, my friend understood and graciously thanked me for all I had done

We hear a lot about win-win solutions, resolutions that leave all parties feeling hopeful. With that in mind, I am sharing my husband’s article, “Expectations and Limitations.” In a word, it’s all about adjustment. I hope it will help you find a path from frustration to fulfillment. If it does, everyone can be a winner. [Read more…]

My Husband My Friend

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I wonder how many of my readers knew, when they married their husbands, that one day they would be living and serving in a different culture. We knew how to love our husbands in our home context, but how do we love our husbands in this context? So much has changed. He has days so filled with toil that he barely drags in the door. Other days he is flying high, filled with the joy of fulfilled dreams. How do I love this guy in this place?

Paul the Apostle wrote an honest, instructive letter to his young friend and co-worker, Titus. At the time Titus was a pastor serving in a morally confused and degraded culture. Part of Paul’s straight-forward counsel had to do with the behavior of the more mature women in the church. They needed to be reverent, not slanderous, not addicted to any substance, and capable of teaching what is good. Then he gives his reason:

‘Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children.’
Titus 2:4 NIVUK

I always assumed that the word for love in this verse was agape, or covenant love. That seemed to imply a duty to love. But the Greek word is philandros, a word that carries a feeling of friendship for the man you married. Both are great words. And both, along with eros, a word that often describes sexual love, have importance for a healthy marriage.

As PW’s we need to remember that even though our husbands might be doing heroic or sacrificial deeds, and even though we might be just as involved, our husbands need our love in all its dimensions. For now, I want us to remember the importance of being our husband’s loving friend. [Read more…]

Married in Mission

A Perfect Ending to a Lousy Day

No matter where we live or what we do, we all have lousy days sometimes. In this month’s newsletter, my husband shares some great ways to make lousy days turn out better.

John comes home from work one day to find Sally in tears. “I am a terrible mother,” she cries! “I don’t know why I ever let you get me pregnant! Any mother could do this better than me.”

Her three year old, Timmy, had tried to see how many revolutions a goldfish will make when you flush it down the toilet. He tried to teach the cat to swim too. Then he unwound a whole roll of toilet paper, wrapped himself in it, and stalked around the house droning, “You’re not the mummy! I am the mummy.” Certainly not the kind of potty training she had in mind. All of that before lunch.

The rest of the day was even more daunting. Timmy, the three year old tornado, had reduced a perfectly capable mother– a woman with a masters degree and a nice even temperament– into a sobbing mass of regrets. Did I mention that she is expecting their second child, too?

You’ve had days like that haven’t you? No? Oh. You’re one of those perfect moms who have discovered the foolproof secret to tranquil child raising. The rest of us secretly hope that the next time you and your husband make love, the result will be a Timmy. Then we’ll see how tranquil you are. Heh Heh. [Read more…]

Leave and Cleave

This morning I read this article from Today’s Christian Woman, Leaving and Cleaving. Steve Mesmer wrote the article to help couples successfully leave the family they grew up in. Many couples don’t fully leave their family of origin because they carry patterns of behavior and roles they played into their marriage. His article gives some very good insights into discovering areas that we need to leave in order to properly cleave to our husband.

I thought many of the insights Steve Mesmer mentioned could also apply to our leaving our home culture and adapting to our new one. When we discover a pattern of behavior, an insecurity, or a role we play in groups that just won’t fit with our current situation, it may pay us to see if there is some ‘leaving’ we need to do. The family we grew up in (family of origin) or even the relationships we built while preparing from the field, may actually be hindering us from finding our God-given place on our field of service.

Here’s a snippet from the article.

“The family you grew up in is your family of origin. And from your family of origin you learn how to see yourself, others, and God. Your early experiences, daily routines, and unique family structure shape your relating patterns and beliefs about how life and relationships work. These formative early years shape and mold our answers to critical questions like: Is the world a safe place? Are people basically trustworthy? Am I loved for who I am or for what I do? Can I make a mistake and still experience being valued? Will someone be there for me when I call? These and many similar critical questions get answered by your family of origin. The answers to these questions then shape your personality, your view of relationships, your insecurities, how you experience love, and how you approach life.

“In addition to shaping our relational landscape, your family of origin also created a role for you to play. The roles you played in your family of origin always show up and influence your relationships today—especially your marriage relationship. Your family of origin has a powerful influence on your development!”
To read the whole article go to: Leaving and Cleaving