Attitudes & Emotions

What We Have Learned

This month I wanted to do something different. My husband and I came up with the following list of things we have learned. Some are from our time in Africa and SE Asia, some are from our family, and some are general lessons we’ve learned. Enjoy reading our list. I’m sure you have your own list of lessons you’ve learned.

We have learned that homesickness will go away if you don’t entertain it.
We have learned that most people will love you if you let them.
We have learned that soup can be spicy without being red.
We have learned that Korean candy doesn’t taste half as good as it looks.
We have learned that marriage is like a garden. It flourishes if you take care of it and dies if you don’t.
We have learned that a good cup of hot tea is better therapy than two hours with any psychiatrist. The same is true of sunrises, sunsets, cool breezes and true friends.
We have learned that when your wife is better than you at details, it’s better to let her do them.
We have learned that when your husband is better at directions, it’s better to go the way he says.
We have learned that American saltine crackers are poor, wimpy imitations of British cream crackers.
We have learned that most mistakes are not fatal if you are honest about them.
We have learned that if you take the time, the classics are really worth it.
We have learned that Bach is better brain food than rock.
We have learned that the gift of a teddy bear can make a grown woman smile.
We have learned that it is useless to choose an airline on the basis of the food they serve. It’s all the brown stuff or the white stuff and rubber omelets.
We have learned that PMS is neither permanent nor fatal. It just seems like it at the time.
We have learned that America is not the center of the world, that other cultures have riches to bestow on us and that God’s love looks great on any face.
We have learned that in the tropics you choose your seat by its proximity to the fan.
We have learned that when they tell you not to drink the water, they really mean it.
We have learned that the good relationships grow richer with time, like vegetable soup simmering slowly.
We have learned that good friendship can instantly pick up where it left off, like a CD when you push the play button.
We have learned that rest is neither sin nor weakness, but a God-created necessity.
We have learned that durian (an Asian fruit) and blue cheese have this in common, they both smell bad to those who don’t like them and great to those who do. The same with people.
We have learned that it is best to cross the street the way the locals do. They know which way to look, when to wait, and when you better go.
We have learned that wilderness companions are seldom who you expected.

A Perfect Ending to a Lousy Day

No matter where we live or what we do, we all have lousy days sometimes. In this month’s newsletter, my husband shares some great ways to make lousy days turn out better.

John comes home from work one day to find Sally in tears. “I am a terrible mother,” she cries! “I don’t know why I ever let you get me pregnant! Any mother could do this better than me.”

Her three year old, Timmy, had tried to see how many revolutions a goldfish will make when you flush it down the toilet. He tried to teach the cat to swim too. Then he unwound a whole roll of toilet paper, wrapped himself in it, and stalked around the house droning, “You’re not the mummy! I am the mummy.” Certainly not the kind of potty training she had in mind. All of that before lunch.

The rest of the day was even more daunting. Timmy, the three year old tornado, had reduced a perfectly capable mother– a woman with a masters degree and a nice even temperament– into a sobbing mass of regrets. Did I mention that she is expecting their second child, too?

You’ve had days like that haven’t you? No? Oh. You’re one of those perfect moms who have discovered the foolproof secret to tranquil child raising. The rest of us secretly hope that the next time you and your husband make love, the result will be a Timmy. Then we’ll see how tranquil you are. Heh Heh. [Read more…]

Baggage Check

Let’s look back for a moment. Remember when you knew, deep down in your heart, that you were going to go and serve the people in a different culture? You experienced a whole range of feelings: fear, faith, joy, sadness – a little of everything.

Then came all the steps of preparation: training, raising support, learning about the field you were going to. You packed so much into every day, not wanting to miss anything that might be important to know.

Spiritually, you prepared. You read and studied everything you could get your hands on that would prepare you to grow in your personal relationship with God. You knew you should pack in all you would need to witness, to teach, to lead others in their walk.

Finally, you packed your belongings. You looked carefully at every little thing. Should you take it, store it, or give it away? How would it fare in the shipping? Would it stand up to the climate change? Would you need it there?

Now, you’re there. You’re on the field- just settling in, or maybe there for a very long time. And you discover that you brought a few attitudes and ideas that you didn’t need.

[Read more…]

A Mother’s Sacrifice

Since Mother’s day is close, and since so many of my readers are special moms in special places, I wanted to send something about being a mother. On my personal Mother’s Day I will speak at a camp. Part of the message is about generosity. Then I found this chapter of Sue Eenigenburg’s newest book, More Screams, Different Deserts, and I knew I had the right thing to share with you.

Maybe Sue’s words will bring back some memories, both sweet and bittersweet, but mostly I hope you find yourself smiling, with maybe a knowing chuckle or two. Enjoy.

“We could find some chocolate in our host city, but not Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or Hershey bars or Nestle’s chocolate chips. My parents were kind enough to send us care packages filled with all kinds of goodies. We would ration one bag of chocolate chips to make three batches of chocolate-chip cookies rather than using them all for just one batch as the recipe recommended. We could hardly imagine using the whole package all at once! Rationing became a habit.

[Read more…]

How Do You Spell. . .

What word comes to mind when you hear the following comments:

“We don’t have enough help, why can’t they send us more workers?”
“I don’t care if it falls apart, let someone else fix it, plus I make things worse.”
“It’s only 10AM and I am already exhausted!”
“I’m not going to the team party or the beach day next week.”
“I can’t do this much longer- there’s a limit to everything.”
“I always thought God would show up in our darkest times.”
“Since no one is caring for me, why should I care about others?”

These remarks all spell one word… B-U-R-N-O-U-T. Ladies have you ever uttered such comments? Perhaps silently in your heart of hearts. Burnout is a physical, emotional, and spiritual condition which happens to many people in helping, giving career fields. It is a point of breaking in which joy and satisfaction, as well as productivity of labor begins to diminish. It never occurs suddenly but over a period of time with consistent, accumulated negative attitudes and behaviors. A long nap, a weekend away, or a calming dip in the local Turkish hot springs will not cure this condition. Serious and intentional care must be given to treat burnout.

The above comments suggest burnout factors such as; feeling overwhelmed by needs, unable to help, isolating self from people, cynical, distrusting, blaming others, feelings of incompetence, compassion fatigue, self pity, emotional exhaustion, detachment, irritable, frustrated, spiritual confusion, trapped with no end in sight, critical spirit upon self and others, despair and hopelessness. Why do we as cross-cultural workers have a higher possibility for burnout? There are certainly numerous reasons but generally there has been a compromise in three major areas when struggling with burnout; relationships, resources, and rest.

First, many of us women are excellent givers, but often poor receivers. When we are not relationally replenishing or refilling what we are continually giving out, burnout can begin. All leaders and missionaries need an underlying framework of relational support to keep them free of burnout, suggests counselor John Townsend. On the field, these consistent and adequate “refilling stations” are often scarce; a local church, pastoral care, worship in ones heart-language, a community of “familiar faces”, individuals who can provide accountability, girlfriends to share and socialize with, a local supervisor to discuss with, or extended family and relatives to enjoy.

Second, often on the field our responsibilities outweigh the resources; especially in pioneering contexts. Tasks and job assignments need to equal the resources supplied; personnel, funds, materials, energy, time, supervision, and more. When the inequity continues for extended periods of time burnout eventually occurs. One myth we often believe as women is that if we are more disciplined, more spiritual, pray more fervently, rise up earlier, and work more diligently, than surely we will be able to prevent burnout. But an unrealistic work load with limited resources and support will never thwart burnout.

Finally, the issue of rest needs to be a priority for us on the field but is often the immediate area of neglect due to no relational accountability and too much work. Work-life balance is so necessary and so challenging to obtain for many of us. But repeatedly when weekly Sabbath rest, leisure time, family activities, date nights, and extended holidays or vacation are forgotten, burnout is soon to follow. Did you savor your Sabbath rest this week? When was your last fun night with your roommates, children, or spouse?

Besides the emotional and attitudinal warning comments and signs, often there are physical manifestations of burnout. Ladies, are you frequently experiencing trouble sleeping, headaches or migraines, chronic hives, constant fatigue even after resting, excessive weight loss or gain, abnormal monthly cycles, anxiety attacks, distressing dreams or nightmares, tremors, dependence on over the counter drugs or possible alcohol dependence?

The wonderful news about burnout is that there are cures and remedies. We do not have to remain in this miserable and dangerous state. A wise and godly plan can restore any broken and discouraged servant. The Lord even graciously gives a beautiful example in the Scriptures of a burned out servant who recovers and continues in faithful service; Elijah’s story can be read in I Kings 19.

There are many suggestions to bring prevention and cure to the misfortune of burnout. Physical, emotional, and spiritual areas need to be targeted for renewal and recovery. First we must literally stop our current work and enter into a period of rest and renewal of the body; sleeping, proper exercise, good nutrition, walks in nature, a doctor’s visit if necessary, visiting a new place for a change of scenery, and developing a hobby or interest that is not ministry related.

Second a reflection and evaluation time is necessary. Can you find or approach a good supervisor, a mentor, a long time godly friend back home, or a professional counselor that could be beneficial to ask good review questions of an emotional and practical nature? They can help you discover what “went wrong.” After a season of reflection and emotional stability, you can set realistic goals, rework job descriptions and daily calendars, set boundaries, acknowledge weaknesses and areas of temptation to overwork, schedule in Sabbaths, days off and holidays, and find an accountability friend to hold you to your new plan. This is also a good time to join a small group or women’s prayer group and simply reconstruct your relational support system; both with nationals, colleagues, your mission agency, and your friend’s community back home.

Finally a fresh spiritual framework must be created when we are burned out. Perhaps you can attend a conference or seminar, practice new spiritual disciplines, enjoy extended times of prayer and silence, try a prayer retreat, read devotional classics, start a focused Scripture study, journal, memorize favorite scriptures, and simply… sit and enjoy the sweet and healing presence of Christ. Ladies you are too worthy and valuable to burnout, check your hearts and bodies for what they need from you!

Nairy has been involved in cross cultural service for the last 23 years. For 18 years she served university students & pioneered student works in Armenia and Turkey. Currently she serves as a cross cultural pastoral counselor with Barnabas International.