Transformation is defined as a progressive altering of every characteristic. The ultimate goal is to be “molded into the image of His Son and share inwardly His likeness.” (Romans 8:29 Amplified Bible) How does that happen? It takes time.

During a time when I was seeking some much needed emotional healing, God gave me a picture. I was in a cocoon and trying so hard to get out. My heart’s cry was to be that beautiful butterfly, but instead I felt myself pushing and fighting to come out of that cocoon.

I decided to find out more about butterflies and came across the story that many have heard. The story tells of a man watching a butterfly as it struggled to get out of the cocoon. When it looked like it couldn’t do anything else, the man decided to help it by cutting open the cocoon. What emerged was a swollen body with small shriveled wings. The man expected the butterfly’s wings to enlarge and gain strength, but it never happened. The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around, never able to fly.

God had a purpose in creating the cocoon. The struggling required to get through the tiny opening was God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly and into its wings. Only then would it be ready for flight as it burst forth from the cocoon.

The struggles that we go through are designed for our benefit – to strengthen us; to cause the fluid, or the water of the Word, to go through us to make us stronger. Any other way, though seemingly faster, will only cripple us and make us less effective. If we get out of our cocoon too soon, we will not develop the strength to fly as God designed us to do.

I have often wanted transformation to come quickly in order to move me out of the pain faster. But that word transformation means a progressive altering of every characteristic. The quick work I desired would not build in me the strength that God wanted, and it would not allow me to fly free like God wanted either.

Our lives are just like the butterfly struggling in the cocoon. We can choose to ask someone to come and cut the cocoon open so we can emerge faster and be ineffective. Or, we can allow the painful struggles to strengthen us so that once outside, we will fly as God intended us to. Believe me, it’s worth the wait.

A family who had served in their adopted country for 15 years was forced to flee for their lives, not from mobs but from angry church members. They left with no money and only what they could carry in suitcases. A friend donated air miles to get them out of that dangerous place, carrying only what would fit in their suitcases. They felt like they had lost everything, that those years of service had been wasted, and that they had no hope for their future.

But God is good to his children. He placed them in a cocoon for a time of growth, healing, and transformation. People they didn’t even know sent money to help them. A group of caring people surrounded them, each sharing their special expertise. They were counseled, pastored, upheld in prayer, and befriended. Food, housing and transportation were provided. Most of all there was time for God’s transforming power to work in their lives. Like wounded soldiers in triage, they were stabilized so they could continue service.

They have now returned to their home country. Their journey is far from over. They face a long road with more struggles and trials ahead. But they are not crying out for the cocoon to be cut. They are allowing God’s Word to be worked in and through their lives. They have chosen to be transformed. We know these people. We know they will be stronger and more fruitful in the future. Their end will be far different from the beginning and so much better than those angry people in their field of service could imagine.

Many scriptures sustained this family through this unexpected stage in their journey, this is one of them:

“But I trust the LORD God to save me, and I will wait for him to answer my prayer. My enemies, don’t be glad because of my troubles! I may have fallen, but I will get up; I may be sitting in the dark, but the LORD is my light.” -Micah 7:7-8 CEV

Blessings!
Diane

The key to bonding with our baby is a mysterious process that causes us to enjoy one another. Moms and dads fall in love with their own baby and each baby falls in love with its own mom and dad. As long as we don’t interfere with the process, it will happen flawlessly and rather magically. An intricate dance begins even before birth, through the birth process, to feeding, cuddling, and playing with the baby. Touch and smell, sight and hearing all play a role, but the biggest role is played by some powerful chemicals rearranging our brains.

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It works hard in mom, dad, and baby. In mom, it causes her to become familiar with her infant’s unique odor and causes the ‘let down reflex’ that helps her begin to nurse. It works in her brain to  promote her maternal behaviors. Oxytocin causes her to be more caring, eager to please others, more sensitive to other’s feelings, and to recognize non-verbal cues more readily. These characteristics make her a better mom to a baby who cannot communicate verbally. It causes her to prefer the baby’s dad. And it has stress-reducing effects on her blood pressure and pulse.

In dad, Oxytocin increases his interest in physical, rather than sexual, contact with the mother. This hormone makes dad become devoted to his family.

In the baby, Oxytocin helps the baby link the smell of his amniotic fluid to his mom’s breasts and milk. This creates a strong bond in the baby’s developing brain. Even bottle-fed babies prefer their own mom’s smell to formula in the first few weeks of life. It promotes relaxation. Oxytocin permanently reorganizes the baby’s brain to deal with stress and promotes characteristics of being securely attached socially.

So, you might ask, “What triggers this hormone?” Mom gets huge doses of Oxytocin near the end of her pregnancy, during labor, when she attempts to breast feed her baby soon after delivery, and during breast feeding or cuddling her baby. Dad gets his surge of Oxytocin during the last few weeks of pregnancy and when he has significant amounts of time touching, holding, and playing with his newborn. Baby gets huge doses of Oxytocin when he/she smells mom, her breasts, her milk and when he has skin-to-skin contact. The whole family benefit from lots of opportunities to touch skin-to-skin, cuddle, play, caress, and look into each other’s eyes.

Oxytocin is only one of the hormones at work in this new family. Vasopressin is called the monogamy hormone. This is a male hormone that is at work in dad. When dad lives with baby and mom, Vasopressin causes his brain to be reorganized toward paternal behaviors. It helps him recognize his own family and bond with his baby. It makes him want to be part of the family. He becomes more protective of them and more vigilant. Vasopressin also tempers his aggression, making him more reasonable and less extreme.  Just having time touching, rocking, and cuddling baby gives him huge doses of this powerful hormone. Snoozing with his nearly naked baby on his bare chest will give them both a huge boost in bonding.

Prolactin has been called the parenting hormone. This one works on both mom’s and dad’s brains. For mom it helps her relax when she feeds her baby so she is will want to linger at feeding and be less likely to jump up and start working. In both mom and dad it decreases the sex drive. This helps both mom and dad to have more energy for their new parental attentions to baby. Just living with and feeding the baby will cause this hormone to be released and to do its work.

The Opioids are the last hormones I’m going to discuss here. These are the pleasure hormones. They decrease awareness of pain and increase feelings of elation. When these hormones are released during feeding and holding baby, they cause both baby and parents to enjoy the close contact of feeding and cuddling. The Opioids reward baby with pleasant sensations when nursing and causes an increased desire for close social contact. The pleasure felt as a result of the Opioids completes the work of the other brain chemicals in bonding the family together.

What this all means to us.

We are made in such a way that what normally happens around the birth of a baby causes mom, dad, and baby to be able to bond into a caring, nurturing family. As mom nears the end of pregnancy, most couples tend to keep in close contact, waiting for labor to begin. That nearness and contact begins the hormone surges. The desire of the parents to touch and hold their baby causes more hormones in all three of them. Ultimately having time and opportunity to feed, bath, soothe, cuddle, look at, talk to, and play with baby will give all these powerful hormones the chance to rearrange their brains and bond them into a secure family.

Even babies and adoptive parents can have most of these hormonal changes occur too. Lots of pleasurable touching, cuddling, and consoling will stimulate the release of these hormones in baby, adoptive mom and adoptive dad.

Some babies don’t have the opportunity to bond well with their parents. Maybe through ignorance, busyness, illness, or unwillingness, the parents don’t bond with their baby. Not every child who has been unable to bond well with his parents is doomed to life-long distress. Many children bond well with a substitute mother-figure. Maids, nannies, and extended-family members often bond quite well with babies. The baby gets the advantage of the brain hormones, as long as they bond with a caring mother-figure. The sad part is that the parents miss out on the best help they could have in fulfilling their parental roles. It is never too late to build a strong relationship with your child. If the window of opportunity for the release of these powerful hormones is missed, bonding will take lots of work and dedication.

Practically speaking, this means to take every advantage of feeding time to cuddle baby. Use maternity leave and confinement to enjoy your baby. Both mom and dad should be as involved as possible in the day-to-day care of baby. Linger at bath time and enjoy touching your baby all over. Enjoy play time, look in each other’s eyes, and speak ‘motherese.’

We are so intricately made and so finely tuned to become a family. Doing what comes naturally has proven to be exactly what is necessary to cause this process of bonding to intertwine our lives together.

In this issue of Peter’s Wife, I am sharing a newsletter from Tammy, one of our PW family of readers. She shares her experiences in helping one poor boy. As you read it, remember to ask God to help you see people as he sees them. Ask Him to make you alert to the individual, not just involved in the big projects. And maybe all of us can ask the Father to show us one life we can touch with his love, whoever it is, wherever it is.

There is a well-known story of a man and wife who went to the interior of Congo to reach people for the cause that counts. They could not penetrate the tribe they were targeting. The only person who showed any openness was a little boy. While there, the wife died, leaving the husband with a baby daughter. Dejected, embittered, full of grief, he fled the country, leaving his baby daughter with another couple to raise. Then he disappeared.

Years later, as a married adult woman, that little girl and her husband attended a conference in London. As they walked in they heard a man from Congo describing the great growth of the Message in that place. The woman approached him and asked if perhaps he might have known her father. “Know him? He shared the Good News with me when I was a 10 year old boy.”

One little boy. One great beginning for the Message. And ladies, even if the one life we touch never becomes as influential as that little boy, that one life still matters to the Master.

Wondering if there was something more helpful I could do for Jondy and his family, I put out a plea to fellow PWs for guidance on how to help this family without creating a dependent relationship. My plea was heard by community development teacher and practitioner Jeri, a lady with a very big heart and years of experience with the poor. Among other outreaches, Jeri and her adult children run a children’s home and a birthing center in our area.

Yet at the same time, I was in a quandary. As poor as these people are, a lesson I’ve learned from my experiences here is that handouts do not solve problems. As I talked this over with Jeri, she recommended the book When Helping Hurts: Alleviating Poverty Without Hurting the Poor. . . and Ourselves, by Biran Fikkert. She also offered to loan me Joy, one of the social workers who works with her, to assess the family’s needs and resources. She wisely suggested entering the community one step at a time, praying for direction and being careful not to set up expectations we cannot meet.

I took Joy with me to visit Jondy’s family, and in time we met his father, Joseph (and one of his brothers named Hesus, who was born on Christmas Day).  We discovered that although Jondy and one of his younger brothers had gone to school up until two years ago, they had not been back since, because they couldn’t afford the transportation, uniform fees, and lunch money. Furthermore, most children in the community (about 25 families) work to support their families, either doing chores like carrying water from the nearby stream or going house to house collecting recyclables. Yet when Joy asked Jondy what he wants to do when he grows up, he said he’d like to be an engineer. Wow.

It has not been easy trying to figure out ways to help Jondy’s family and community. Joy is in the process of helping Joseph apply for a birth certificate so he can get important papers like a police clearance and social security card, to increase his employment potential and his dignity. Jeri’s midwives from the birthing center came to talk with the women in the community about family planning. They asked a lot of great questions and the midwives were able to dispel some of their superstitions and fears. It gave us a chance to get to know them in an informal setting. We had a great time chatting together, with kids, dogs, and chickens hanging around.

We discovered that these people come from rural areas where they were mostly farmers (like many “informal settlers” here). So we are hoping to help them find ways to use their agricultural skills to better sustain themselves. There’s a PW returning from the U.S. soon who has interest in helping out with this. I was so excited to hear this; it might just be an answer to prayer.

Jondy still comes to my gate occasionally, but now he comes as my friend. I usually give him some fruit and ask about his family. And I pray.

I’m sure many of you have found other ways to help. We would be happy to hear from you too.

Blessings!
Diane

Yesterday I felt like the Proverbs 31 woman—entirely by accident.

Ben (my 4 month-old) woke up for his morning feed, and I looked at my watch and thought it said ten minutes to seven. Thinking Will (my 2 year-old) would be up soon, I decided not to go back to bed because I knew I’d feel even more tired if I went back to sleep. I was craving pancakes, so I went to the kitchen, turned the heater up to “medium” because it was freezing in there, made pancake batter, finished last night’s dishes, started Ben’s diapers in the washing machine, and went back to flipping pancakes. After the second pancake, the power went out. Well, I thought, thank goodness I have a gas stove and everything’s ready to go for breakfast—and I just unpacked all my candles the night before. So I cheerfully went around the house lighting candles, feeling very pleased with myself for having everything under control. Will woke up about ten minutes later, crying a little because it was pitch black (he’s just started being worried about the dark lately), so I went into his room with my candle, sat down and gave him a hug, and then said, “Will, do you know what candles mean?”

“Hmmm?” he said.

“They mean that Jesus is always with us, even in the dark.”

“Oh!” he said, “Jesus can-noh (candle)!”

“Do you want a pancake?”

His eyes lit up and he made his “ ’sited!” (excited) face, so I put his fleece on over his pajamas and as we went into the candlelit kitchen I started singing “This Little Light Of Mine.” Will loved it, and by the second verse was holding up his little index finger and singing “Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine” with me. I was so thankful for how God worked things out—here I was, totally in control even with no power, with a good breakfast all ready to go by the time James got up. He came in and said, “Wow, the Proverbs 31 woman!” And then proceeded to tell me that it was only just after 7 am—I had gotten up at ten minutes to six! No wonder it was so pitch dark outside! And as it turned out, the power wasn’t really off (thank God!)—I had only flipped the breaker by having the washing machine, hot water heater and kitchen heater on at the same time. Oops.

So James went outside to fix the breaker, and as the lights came back on and I saw my candlelight disappear into electric brightness, I was thankful for how God had worked everything out—instead of being stressed out by not having power, somehow pancakes with my son by candlelight started the day off on such a cheerful note!

Carolyn Broughton

Diane

“How so?” I asked?

“Well, my husband would ride behind me, on the back seat. I always rode in the front seat and steered. But he wouldn’t peddle! He just let me do all the work. When I applied the brake, then he would start peddling!”

Now, this husband worked against his wife only to tease her, but in many marriages the husband and wife fight against each other over much more serious issues. Rather than making a joint effort towards a common goal, they end up battling for their rights. Each of them has an individual goal and tries to make their spouse go in their direction, at their pace. Marriage becomes a struggle rather than a partnership.

The one thing you need to ride a bicycle-built-for-two is agreement. Without it, the thing just won’t work. Two may ride on it, but if they don’t work together, they won’t go anywhere. Worse, they will suffer many crashes and many frustrations.

Just like that tandem bike, every marriage takes two partners working together. That makes all the difference. With agreement we develop marital coordination. Without it, we develop marital confusion.

Our son, Matt, grew up watching his mom and I work together in the kitchen. “It’s like a dance,”  he told us one evening. Matt saw our teamwork for what it was: a dance of love. We may not go dancing (mostly because I am too self-conscious), but we are really good at the kitchen dance.

Coordination Killers

If I want to control my marriage or my mate, I will cause more confusion, and less coordination. We don’t get married to control each other. We get married because we want to learn how to work together to reach a common goal. A controlling person always causes tension and unrest, making the ride shaky and unpleasant, even on the smooth parts of the road.

If I am rigid- unbending, and unyielding- I will frustrate our unity. Marriage requires flexibility, and flexibility only comes from humility. When I am arrogant, I am a hard person to work with. But when my heart is humble, life is easier for everyone.

If I refuse to bear my share of the load, I will frustrate our unity. I know husbands and wives who think that marriage is a free ride, like the man on the tandem bicycle.

They will not take any responsibility for their marriage, or make any effort for the sake of their spouses or children. Coasters, not contributors.

Necessary Disagreement

Will we ever disagree? Yes, of course. Consider this episode from the life of Abram and Sarai:

So she (Sarai) said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said. (Genesis 16:12)

That was the wrong moment to agree! If Abram had only thought it over and consulted God, how different history would have been.

There are critical times when a husband or wife must disagree with their spouse, times when agreement would be a dangerous, even deadly course. Do you remember Ananias and Sapphira. Read their story in Acts 5:1 and following. If either one of them had seen the danger of their actions, and had spoken up, the story would have ended differently. Every couple must agree to listen when one of them feels caution about any course of action.

Hot Sauce

In America you can buy many different types of hot sauce or chili. To help the shoppers find the one that will suit them, the jars are marked either mild, medium, or hot. People are like that, too. Some are mild, some are medium, and some are quite spicy. All of them are good; it’s just a matter of taste.

Agreement does not mean that the milder partner gives in to the more forceful one, or that the quiet partner gives in to the outspoken one. When that happens hidden conflicts fester like an infection. The milder one must learn how to express an opinion or a conviction clearly. The more outspoken one must learn to give the quiet partner a chance to express an opinion or conviction. A couple must know the difference between an opinion and a conviction, and not confuse the two things. An opinion is what I think, but a conviction is what God thinks. If either member of a marriage has a deep conviction from God we must not disregard it at the risk of grieving the Holy Spirit.

The Lord can bring any couple into real agreement if they will let him. Open your heart to him. Ask him to give you the grace to be agreeable. Commit yourself to doing your part, and see what a difference unity makes!

Transition Times

Transition times test the strength of a couple’s agreement like nothing else can. When we glide along peacefully, secure in our everyday routine, agreement comes easily. Like two friends rowing a kayak or canoe, there’s no problem working together when the river is straight and quiet. It’s the changes in course that challenge us.

I remember canoeing with a friend many years ago. We worked well together when the river flowed smoothly and the course was steady. We almost felt like experts. But soon we came to a place where we had to change our course. Two currents fought with each other, both trying to force their way around the same turn in the river. Our canoe was caught in that battle, and we had to overcome the turbulence to keep our little craft steady.

We failed. Our canoe overturned and we crashed into the trees along the river’s edge. It’s hard to make changes when you don’t know how to work together under pressure. My boat mate and I worked together well enough when the water was smooth, but the rapids and the course change revealed our lack of agreement.

Can you put yourself in that picture? I’m sure you can. You and your spouse have probably had your share of disagreements, especially at critical moments in your life together. But we can learn from our mistakes, can’t we? One defeat at a challenging time can be worth more than many days of smooth sailing . . . if we learn from it.

In our thirty-nine years of marriage we’ve had many opportunities to learn how to navigate difficult currents. Here are a few of the lessons the Lord continually teaches us:

• We are learning that the important issue is not who is right, but what is right. We must dedicate ourselves to taking the right action, not fighting for our own way. A crisis is no time to be fighting for control.
• We are learning to wait patiently for God.  It’s easier to write those words than it is to live those words. If we know a transition awaits us we can get anxious, and anxiety always wastes time and energy. How many times I have repented for my anxious activity!
• We are learning to coordinate our efforts so we enhance one another and reach our goal. Have you ever seen a three-legged race?  Two people tie two of their legs together, then try to run to the finish line. For married couples, life is often a three-legged race. Many couples fall down before they learn to adjust for one another, but those who learn to cooperate finish the race together.
• We are learning to conquer our fears. When I was in the canoe with my friend, I had no fear until I saw something coming that I didn’t think I could handle. I panicked in the moment of pressure, and my panic caused our disunity. The alternative to panic is confidence, and confidence is built by working together for a long time. Teamwork, they call it. When we know how to agree, we aren’t afraid to face anything together.
• We are learning to remember the Lord and rejoice in His care for us. During times of change, we experience many pressures. We must set our minds on the Lord, for transition times are vulnerable times.
• We are learning to keep our eyes open, watching for signs of change. If we stay spiritually alert, we can prepare for change.

Brother Andrew, that Christian commando who took Bibles to people in restricted lands, had a slogan he and his wife adopted in the early days of their relationship:”We don’t know where we’re going, but we’re going there together!” Diane and I have adopted that same motto. Make that your confession, too.

“Father, how many frustrations we suffer because we don’t know how to work together. Soften our hears. Make us less defensive. Give us the grace to want what is best more than we want our own way. Thank you for the power to change, and the power to love.”

Yours For Unity,
Mike Constantine

So what does this have to do with cross cultural workers? Everything! Our faith is tested frequently as we live in cultures not our own. Our reasons for what we say and how we act are questioned. Attacks to our faith come from within and without. And we often don’t have the support we came to rely on in our home country.Two people and their difficulties with faith have challenged my stand in faith.

Some time ago, someone I dearly love and who was raised in the faith, declared he was now an atheist. He no longer believed that God existed. He had been hurt in the household of faith, he felt believers were hypocrites, and thought those outside of faith were just as good, just as moral, and sometimes much better people than those he had grown up with.

I was afraid for him because he was turning his back on the One who had done such marvelous things in his life. I was sad for him that he refused to find grace from God to forgive those who had hurt him. Who among us has not been hurt by our brothers? Who has not seen hypocrisy? But just because men fail us doesn’t mean God is not faithful.

Apologetics? Me?

I had never thought I could understand apologetics. The logic of the arguments always seemed too intellectual for me. But because of this loved one, I began to read books that answer questions challenging our faith. I plowed through Total Truth by Nancy Pearcy. Then I read, more easily, Dinesh D’Sousa’s book, What’s So Great About Christianity? I began, but haven’t gotten very far in A Meaningful World by Benjamin Wiker and Jonathan Witt. I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with the examples, but I still don’t follow all the logic.

In this study, I’ve seen my own faith grow stronger. Although I may never be able to logically debate a steadfast atheist, I know what things are absolutely non-negotiable for me. I also see that Christianity is based on facts that cannot be proven if one is unwilling to take them by faith.  But then, atheism must be taken by faith as well. They don’t believe there is a God. They believe being good is good enough.  They believe there is no meaning to this life.

Another dear friend is angry with God. “Why didn’t He  answer my prayer? I prayed for  one thing for many years and never saw an answer. I won’t pray anymore. I don’t believe God is involved in people’s lives today.”

I’ve taken a different approach to this one. I’ve reminded her of how many answers to prayer she has seen. I’ve shown her how her prayer was answered, just in a different way than she expected. I’ve challenged her to get involved in a women’s prayer meeting that is vital and active and to go to Bible studies that will feed her faith.

I find my own faith is challenged every time I tell her I will be praying for one of her needs. Will God answer this prayer? Will she be able to see verifiable results?

My husband teaches that we may have two different kinds of beliefs. First, there are our stated beliefs. These are the beliefs we quickly state when asked about our faith. We sing them on Sundays, read them in our devotionals, and even proclaim them to the world. They are statements we’ve heard since the earliest days of our new life. They are what we think we believe. Then there are our actual beliefs. These are the beliefs that we live out day by day. These are the ones that influence our actions, attitudes, relationships, and expectations.

Is it my actual belief that God answers our prayers or just my stated belief? Have I experienced His answers in a way that lays a solid foundation for my faith? Or am I trying to convince both this young woman and myself that God answers prayer? I can only stand firm on my actual beliefs. My stated ones will crumble and fall when challenged.

So whatever the challenge to your faith, are you standing strong? Will you take some time this month to begin evaluating what are your non-negotiable, actual beliefs? When you find yourself making a statement of faith, take note of  it and then take time to reflect on the foundation of that belief.  Like the Message Version puts it, ”If you don’t take your stand in faith, you won’t have a leg to stand on.”

For an article on some practical ways to strengthen your faith see: How’s Your Faith?

I am more impressed than ever before at how wonderfully we are made. Take a fresh look at Psalm 139:14-15 in the New Living Translation:

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous–how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.”

Consider how our brain develops. Master interviewer Charlie Rose did a series on the human brain. Here are some of their amazing findings. I know we overuse the word,”amazing,” but even these scientists used it about their discoveries.

In the womb, by the fourth week, the first structures that will make up the brain are formed and by 17 weeks the brain is taking the shape that we all recognize. Because the brain is confined to such a small space, all the additional growth occurs by forming curves and twists. More and more cells are being packed into the contortions and gyrations until at birth the brain will have about 100 billion nerve cells.

Huda Zoghbi said, “Inside the brain something like a dance is happening. In early pregnancy a few cells are born and they have to migrate and find a place within the cortex of the brain. The next group of cells will divide and migrate, they’ll go past the old ones and take a new position. And this process will continue until you have six layers.

“All these layers have very specialized neurons for the brain to function properly. Think of a thousand dancers at the opening of the Olympic ceremony. Imagine them having to make the color of the Olympic flag and to have to perform a coordinated dance. If any of them takes the wrong spot, the dance will be ruined. And that’s exactly the situation with the brain.” With all that complexity, there are so few mistakes that result in serious brain defects. We are woven together so very well in the womb!

After birth brain development continues in many forms. Many of these brain cells have to make branches, and the neurons reach out to communicate with each other. The point where they contact is called the synapse. Between two months and two years of age babies have the largest number of synapses they will have throughout life. The brain is actually being sculpted during this period.

Through time and experience some of these synapses will be eliminated and others will be strengthened. The concept of use it or lose it takes effect here. Those synapses we don’t use are pruned and the ones we use are strengthened. Although there are periods in our lives that more of this is happening than at others, throughout our lives the more brain exercise we do, the more flexible our brain remains.

During early childhood, no matter what continent a baby is born on, they have the ability to learn language. “All children follow a set of universal stages in language development. At three months they’ll coo, at seven months they’ll babble, at a year, a single word, at 18 months two-word combinations, and at the age of three full sentences. They will talk your leg off. In the area of language, from birth to seven years of age, kids are masters. Whether they hear a single language or two or three, they will acquire them effortlessly. At seven this ability begins to decline and past puberty the brain does not work the same way and we don’t learn second languages as well.”

Children learn all their language sounds from the people that speak directly to them. Children exposed to a different language on TV do not learn. Social interaction is vital to language learning. Patricia Kuhl said, “So if you want to learn a language you learn it from another human being. You cannot learn it from a TV set.”

Our brains are so marvelous that the very act of making friends who speak another language facilitates our learning their language! When God sends us to people who speak another language, he knows it is a win-win situation. We make acquaintances and they help us learn their language. As we share our message and our life with them they become family.

From The Brain that Changes Itself, by Norman Doidge, MD, I want to share some insights into cultural learning.

It seems we learn our native culture from our earliest days. Here is Dr. Doidge:

“The tastes our culture creates—in food, in type of family, in love, in music—often seem ‘natural,’ even though they may be acquired tastes. The ways we conduct nonverbal communication—how close we stand to other people, the rhythms and volume of our speech, how long we wait before interrupting a conversation—all seem ‘natural’ to us, because they are so deeply wired into our brains.

“When we change cultures, we are shocked to learn that these customs are not natural at all. Cultural differences are so persistent because when our native culture is learned and wired into our brains, it becomes ‘second nature,’ seemingly as ‘natural’ as many of the instincts we are born with.

“Even when we make a modest change, such as moving to a new house, we discover that something as basic as our sense of space, which seems so natural to us, and numerous routines we were not even aware we had, must slowly be altered while the brain rewires itself.”

So when we feel very disoriented in a new culture, it is for good reason. Our brain is in a time of enormous rewiring. Thank God that He made us to that we can be flexible and adapt!

As an example of the kind of adaptation we are created to make, we can see what happens when Asians immigrate to the West. Research has proven that Westerners perceive their world more analytically, observing individual parts. Easterners approach the world more holistically, seeing the inter-relatedness of things. Dr. Doidge states, “After several years in America the Japanese begin to perceive in a way indistinguishable from Americans.” What is most exciting about this for us is that when we change cultures, our brain begins to perceive in a new way. We can expect that as we become more comfortable in our new culture, we will begin to see things more as our new friends and neighbors perceive the world around them. Many of you have experienced that, and many of you are new at it. Veteran PW’s, give your younger, newer colleagues some patient understanding and support. Brains can change, but it isn’t easy or quick.

Additionally Dr Doidge states, “Children of Asian-American immigrants perceive in a way that reflects both cultures. They sometimes process scenes holistically, and sometimes they focus on prominent objects.” Our children will benefit from this additional way to perceive their world. They will never be as insular in their thinking as their peers who have never had the opportunity to live in a different culture. And as we know, that helps to explain the stresses they feel on reentry.

The Older Brain

Finally, as we are all aging, here are some findings on maintaining mental flexibility into old age. Bottom line: we need to continue to make new stem cells and to prolong their life. There are two things we can do to help this process:

First is mental exercise. There is a demonstrable difference in the mental agility of those who continually use their brain and those who don’t. Doing mental math, playing word games and puzzles, Sudoku, and reading challenging books all help keep our minds active and healthy. For those of us living overseas, we can easily substitute learning a language or a musical instrument for book or computer games. Continue to be observant and exercise your memory.

Second is physical activity. Physical activity creates new neurons and increases the flow of oxygen to the brain. We don’t need brutal workouts, but we do need consistent natural movement of the limbs. Walking at a good pace, concentrating on improving our balance, and any other activity that raises our pulse, also increases dopamine that helps our ability to pay attention. So keep thinking and keep moving, ladies.

We are so marvelously made. Woven into the design of our brains is all that is necessary for us to learn and adapt to very different cultures. Going between cultures is not without struggle, but even that rewiring makes us more flexible. Give thanks today for the Creator’s intricate design and purpose. And, if you haven’t given your brain a thought lately, think about it now. There, you just made it stronger!

Our article this month was written by Ruth Van Reken. Ruth shares from her own experience as a second generation MK and as a mother to three MKs. Her writing on this subject was included in Global Mission Handbook by Steve Hoke and Bill Taylor.

Build Strong Ties with Your Nuclear Family

This is a group that will stick together, no matter how many times friends change. Some ways to do this include the following:

• Set aside at least one time each week when you close out the rest of the world and do something as your own particular family. This might be a weekly outing, table games together one evening a week or some other activity the family enjoys. Get away from your station, or work, if there will be too many interruptions. Make it a regular part of your schedule.
• Travel to key spots in your host country that you all want to visit. Whether it’s climbing Mount Fuji in Japan or Mount Kenya in Kenya, seeing Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe or Iguassu Falls in Brazil, memories built in the garden spots will last a lifetime. Families should pretend they’re tourists once or twice a year and plan trips just to see the sights.
• When you travel back and forth to your host and home countries, get off the plane in Europe, or wherever, and find a place to stay and tour together as a family. This builds family memories and history uniquely yours.
• Make family traditions that can be replicated no matter which country you are in. Be creative with how you celebrate holidays. These can be as simple as giving each family member the chance to pick the menu for his or her birthday supper every year or as complicated as making a piñata stuffed with candy for a particular holiday once a year.

Build Strong Ties with Your Community

Your kids may grow up far from blood relatives, but God will send you aunts, uncles and grandparents where you are. There are always some around that particularly fit in with your family somehow. Foster these relationships so your children have the experience of growing up in a close community, even if you’re far from relatives. This is also an important way for singles to be incorporated into the family structures of the mission and also to have their great gifts benefit your children enormously.

Build Strong Ties with Your Extended Family

Relationships with relatives back home need to be fostered also. If possible, bring grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins to visit you in your host country. If not, maintain contact through letters, email, phone calls, social networking forums, and pictures. This closeness is especially important when TCKs repatriate while parents continue living overseas.

Give Gifts that Reflect the Country You are in or Places You have Traveled

These “sacred objects” eventually become the MK’s walking history that she or he can cart around the world in all future years. It helps to connect all the places and experiences of life. Creative adaptations will free you from the guilt of not buying your kids the latest toy-of-the week in the States. They’ll thank you for it.

Stay in the Same Area, Even House, Each Furlough

It is important for children to have a sense that there is at least one physical place that is home, even if they travel a lot. Maybe it is Grandma’s house or a house you buy and keep for furloughs. Hopefully you’ll go to the same church each furlough, too. (One hint: As your kids get older, don’t necessarily drag them with you to visit every church. At some point the churches have to understand, and your child may be much happier staying with Grandma and going to his or her own Sunday school class while you go off and do your thing.)

Basically, Have Fun

Expect God to be faithful to you and your family. Enjoy the kids he’s given and the huge world to explore together. Don’t ever let the pressure of busyness and the short-sightedness of stick-in-the-mud families steal the exuberant joy of your family.

Ruth has lots more information for Families in Global Transition at: www.crossculturalkid.org

Global Mission Handbook- a guide for crosscultural service is published by IVP Press, 2009. It is a must-read for those considering crosscultural service.

After starting the meal, I came to my office to see if there was anything already in print that I could use for Peter’s Wife this month. I am recovering from a two week bout of flu that put me way behind on my preparations. I picked up Sue Eenigenburg’s book, Screams in the Desert. It is a book of stories and devotions about living cross culturally. I leafed through the book and was intrigued by the title, I Gave God My Life, But Not My Toothbrush. After reading the chapter, laughing and groaning, I had to change my attitude about our lunch appointment. Actually, it was the best time we have had with this sister.

Blessings!
Diane

One morning during my quiet time, I had such a burning desire in my heart for God to use me. My heart was reaching out to God. I poured out my soul before his throne. “Oh, God.” I cried. “Use me to honor your name. Whatever the cost—prison, beatings, martyrdom—I want to serve you. Take my life today to use as you see fit. You are my King and I give myself to you.”

I shared this desire with others in our team. I felt so ready to lose anything for the kingdom.

Then we had a houseguest. . .again.

Elliot used to come to our house a lot. He had no money, no job, and no place to stay. I would get so tired of serving tea, reheating dinner when he came late, washing the extra pajamas and sheets, and rearranging our kids so he could have a place to sleep. I grew to have a very poor attitude in my service toward this brother. Soon he stopped coming.

Later I heard he was sleeping at the bus station and not eating regularly. Stricken with remorse, the next time he called, I asked him where he had been and invited him to come see us again. You see I had had my quiet time and I was ready to give up my life for the kingdom.

Then he used my toothbrush and left it bloody.

I was angry. It was my favorite toothbrush—though I hadn’t realized it till then! He was my husband’s friend—why didn’t he choose to use my husband’s toothbrush? I would have to go buy a new toothbrush. I knew I could never find another like it. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

“God—look what happens. I did this for you. I wanted to help this guy out and what does he do? He picks my toothbrush to use and get bloody. I can’t believe it! I have to buy a new toothbrush. I liked my toothbrush. God, it isn’t fair!”

Then I heard a still, small voice. “You offered me your life. You mentioned beatings, prison, and a willingness to be martyred. All I asked from you today is your toothbrush.”

At times, I get so grandiose in my thinking; anything for you, Lord; anywhere for you, Lord; anytime for you, Lord. When what God is looking for is my service to him in the here and now details of my life, the small things I have to give today.

It isn’t likely that I will ever be beaten, stay in prison or be a martyr. Maybe that is why I am so ready to give myself to God for these spectacular opportunities to serve (at least it sounds spectacular in a book written by someone who survives it all). What God wants from me is to be open day by day, minute by minute to serve him by giving him not only my life, buy my toothbrush as well.

So how do we have Thanksgiving in a hot, sunny, always green place? Can it be Thanksgiving without the turkey, cranberry sauce, and green bean casserole? Of course it can! But it will be different.

This year we will be celebrating Thanksgiving with a Malaysian family who served for 17 years in Kenya. The daughters have always shared American Thanksgiving with friends in Kenya. They were afraid that since they moved back to Malaysia they couldn’t celebrate. We will have an adapted feast, but it will be no less meaningful.

I know many of you who receive this newsletter are not Americans, so the holiday doesn’t have the same meaning to you. But we can all get in on the thanksgiving, whether Americans or not.

Why not write out your own Thankful List? Here’s part of mine. I am thankful . . .

• I’ve been chosen to be part of a kingdom that will never end
• There is One who hears the deepest desires of my heart
• There is a destiny for me to fulfill and all the help I need to get there
• For the opportunity to travel and live in places others can only dream about
• My children were able to experience more cultures than just our own
• To all the nationals who have become family and friends to us and our children.
• Laughter oils relationships and keeps them from seizing up
• Grace has made me flexible
• The language of love crosses communication barriers
• For the graciousness of strangers to overlook my cultural clumsiness
• I’ve been given a peek at the enormous variety of landscapes and plants and animals and clouds and . . .
• The Life we share has brought joy to those we serve
• When the burden seemed too heavy to bear, I was never left alone
• For the soft cheeks and big eyes of the next generation
• There is hope and expectation for the future
• Counselors shared their wisdom
• For amazing friendships with women of many nations, accents, and ages
• Tears can express my sorrow
• Laughter expresses my joy and delight
• We’ll have all eternity to rejoice together!

Why not send in your additions to this list? You can comment here or email the list to: diane@peterswife.org

Blessings to each one of you as you celebrate Thanksgiving wherever you are.